"Why The Great One is leaving Janet home alone to become leader of the dusty desert dogs." -Andy Juniper

Seeing as I can think of anything to babble about just now I will submit this for your reading pleasure, Blogaholics.

Why The Great One is leaving Janet home alone to become leader of the dusty desert dogs.
As a close personal friend of Wayne Gretzky - Wayne and I spent 53 quality minutes together at a crowded sports banquet back in 1979 - I feel it is my duty to utilize (exploit) my unique positioning as both one of Wayne's bosom buddies and as an intrepid (or, in-tepid) journalist (or gymnast) to shed light on why Wayne has officially retired from being retired to become head coach of those dusty desert dogs, the Phoenix Coyotes.
I know that obsessive hockey fans (a.k.a. Canadians) are dying to know what Wayne was thinking because I heard them yesterday on Sports Talk Radio practically having kittens over the issue. (As an aside, may I respectfully suggest that anyone calling a Sports Talk Radio station on any issue take a deep breath and, perhaps, a handful of valium before going on-air with their opinions).Honestly, fans wondered, why would The Great One put his impeccable career and storybook on-ice exploits in jeopardy by coaching the lowly dogs, a team that even a crossed clone of Scotty Bowman and Harry Houdini would have trouble resurrecting? Surely he doesn't need the money, the untold aggravation, the grief?Further, as a self-proclaimed sports fanatic and historian, Wayne surely knows the pitfalls of the profession, and the landmines that await superstar players who try to become superstar coaches (from The Splendid Splinter to quickly disillusioned Magic).Well, sports fans, although I was unable to actually talk personally with The Great One, I did have a chance to chat at length with his pesky lawyers, and once they finished threatening me with incivilities and legal action too pedantic to be mentioned should I fail to leave my good buddy Wayne alone, I got the inside scoop on why The Great One decided to become the new Leader of the Coyote Pack.
1. Wayne loathed retirement. He quickly tired of counting his money. He wasn't really fond of The Early Bird Special at the local Ramada. And while he was thrilled to finally get to spend some quality time at home with his winsome wife, Janet, and his brood, Janet was apparently always after him with honey-do lists: take out the garbage, weed the gardens, fold the laundry, paint the mudroom, dust your trophies, and when you're done all that I think we should spend some time talking about our relationship!
2. Wayne admittedly missed "the emotion" of the game of hockey. Wayne, after all, is an emotional guy. And, without the hockey outlet -- well, let's just say that Janet got a little tired of finding him in front of the TV, in the fetal position, bawling like a baby, every afternoon during The Young & The Restless.
3. During Monday's press conference, Wayne professed to desiring to be "closer to the game." What he didn't say was why he wants to be closer. Wayne, like the rest of us, is aging. Suffice to say, his eyesight ain't all it once was. Truth be told, unless he's behind-the-bench close to the action - or unless he wears his Jiminy Glick glasses, or the NHL decides to make the puck bigger - he simply can't follow the action. Poor guy hasn't really 'seen' a game in two years!
4. Contrary to popular belief, The Great One is not without coaching experience. By his own admission he's coached his son's baseball team. And isn't coaching Little League baseball practically the same thing as coaching NHL hockey?5. Always up for a challenge, Wayne is now intent on disproving, once and for all, the old adage: Nice guys finish last.You know, there is a whack of cynics out there who believe that The Great One has set himself up for a major fall - that by this time next year, his moniker may well have been downgraded to The Pretty Good One, or The Not So Bad One.
As a close personal friend, I just wish him all the luck in the world. Oh, and on a personal note: Wayne, if Janet needs any help around the house while you're off un-retiring, just let her know that I'm here for you (and her!). Because I'm that kind of friend.

Andy Juniper brings us the lighter side of sports. He can be visited at his Web site, or contacted at ajuniper@strangledeggs.com. Watch for his columns regularly on Sportsnet.ca.